My granddad was a good man.  In all of my life I never once remember seeing him mad.  And I  never once remember seeing him fake it.  Every smile was genuine, and it lit up his face.  I’ve often been told that my smile does the same, and I’ve always
known that I got that from my mom.  And she got it from her dad.  My grandma had
a grin, and a laugh that I remember to this day…but she didn’t have our smile.  That smile was passed down to me from her husband… my mom’s dad… my granddad.  And when I say it was genuine, I mean that he never faked a smile like we see so often today.  You could see it in his face, he meant it every time.

My granddad was a simple man.  He dropped out of school in the 2nd grade and worked in a lumber yard until he learned to fix TV’s.  My grandma used to read to him for hours the manuals that it took for him to learn how to repair them.  Sometimes I imagined that she must know as much about fixing TV’s as he did, but I knew that wasn’t the case.  She probably retained very little of what she read, but he learned it all.  It’s hard to imagine a love so strong that someone would do that for their spouse today.  But she did it because she loved him… and he loved her.  My grandma died when I was in college, right after I left to go to Florida to play in our Spring baseball
trip.  It’s been said that she waited for me to leave before she passed.  I think she did.  You see, I think she knew how hard it would be for me.  She knew how emotional I am, and she knew how much I loved her, and I still believe that she waited so that I wouldn’t be there to see her go.  But it didn’t hurt me a fraction of the amount that it hurt my granddad.  He loved her with a love that I’ve never seen.  I told everyone that after my grandma passed that he would be gone in a year.  That was twenty-three years ago.  I can’t believe that he’s lasted this long.

I remember very little about my grandma’s death except that I had to fly home, and it was the first time that I had ever flown.  And I remember telling myself that I won’t cry, that I had to be strong for my family.  I was much stronger then… I could never do that now.  I remember the feeling of the turbulence in the small plane as I flew from Dulles to Weyers Cave.  And I remember my granddad being the one to come inside to get me, and he walked quickly to me, put his arms around me and said “Your mom and dad are waiting outside, but I told them that I’m going in to get my grandboy.”  That’s
not a misprint, he called me his grandboy, and those words are verbatim, I’ll remember them until the day that I die.

I remember his shaving cream and brush, and he used the old razors with the removable blades, the kind that you had to unscrew the top and remove the old blade to put a new one in.  He was always clean shaven, I believe he shaved every day. 

I remember that he used to take me with him to the dump, and to the flea market in Waynesboro on the weekends.  I remember hanging out with him in his shop, which was just a small building in the back yard.  I can still hear him say my name, he had a way of saying it that no one has ever quite mimicked…he put the emphasis on the –by, and not the Bob.  I remember that he loved hard candy, and that I loved that he
did because it meant that there was always a supply close by.  I remember that
he could fix small motors, and I remember all of the tools that he had and kept
in the basement.  I remember the smell of aftershave and how by the evening time
his stubble hurt when I kissed his cheek goodbye. 

We grew apart after my grandma died.  I think it was hard for him to come around anymore, that for the longest time we reminded him of grandma.  I know how hard that was for him, he loved her so much.  He met a friend and he spent most of his time with her, and I was fine with that.  We grew so far apart that he didn’t recognize me
anymore.  I used to see him at the store or the pharmacy, and he’d look up at
his giant of a grandboy (he was a small man) and smile like he always did, not
even aware that the guy smiling back was his grandson.  I never said anything
because I didn’t want to embarrass him.  He was old, and I didn’t come around
anymore, it wasn’t his fault. 

When I found out that he was in the hospital I initially said that I wouldn’t go.  I’m not good at that sort of thing.  I’m the most emotional guy I know, and I don’t handle it well.  Everyone else has said goodbye, but I’d put it off for days now.  But, I remember that my grandma waited for me to leave and I thought…maybe he’s waiting for me to
come.

So, I went and said goodbye to my granddad tonight. 

I went home from work and showered… and shaved.  I hadn’t shaved today, and it’s
one of the things that I hate the most, but I wanted to shave before I went to
see the man that I remember was always so clean shaven.  He’s not awake, he
won’t know, but I wanted to do that as a symbol of respect for a man that I love
so much.  As I walked into his room I noticed that it was true, that he is a
shell of the man that he was.   He has an oxygen mask on, and is just skin and
bones and gray hair.  I noticed that the hair was so gray, not like I ever
remember it before.  And it’s gotten longer than I ever remember seeing it
before, too.  I know all of this because I went to the far side of the bed and
just watched him breathe for a while.  It so labored.  I don’t know how he’s
still here. 

I found the strength to go sit by his side and to look into his eyes and tell him that I was there.  I talked to him for probably 15 minutes.  I just told him that I love him, that we all love him.  I told him that he was a great granddad.  I told him about remembering the time that we shared.  I told him that grandma would be so happy to see him again.  And I told him that I was sorry for not being a better grandboy.  His eyes were open and he looked right into my eyes, but I don’t know if he can hear me.  I hope that he’s asleep because I don’t want him to be in any pain.  But I also know that before I sat there that he was constantly moving his feet and legs, but once I sat down
he never moved.  Just that breathing…. so labored. 

And I told him that it was OK to go. 

I sat there with him for a while, just talking, telling him everything I thought he should know.  And then I told him goodbye, that I love him, and I kissed him on his forehead one last time and got up to leave.  But I sat back down on the other side of the room and just watched him breathe some more and just enjoyed those last few moments together.  Before I had gotten there I didn’t want to go, but now that I was there I didn’t want to leave.

I don’t know how much longer he has, but I’m glad I said goodbye.  I love you Granddaddy.

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