I recently began working through the Wild at Heart Field Manual because I’ve always been a big fan of the book, and have referred to two separate friends in the last month. And it’s been awhile since I read the book, and I know that the Field Manual has you read it chapter by chapter as you work through it. So, I figured I could kill two birds with one stone and by working
through the Field Manual I’d get a much better and thorough understanding of the book. Within the first week I’m already very excited and also very anxious, almost nervous.
Having read the book I knew that Eldredge’s idea of three key desires for the masculine heart is that every man needs a battle to fight, and every man longs for an adventure to live. And I was prepared and excited to actually really get into those two
aspects of the Field Manual. I knew that I would have a lot of fun, while also learning tons about the man that I am.
But, I had forgotten about the third aspect and the feelings that would surface or resurface regarding every man’s desire to have a beauty to save. And it didn’t take long for some deep feelings and serious questions to rise to the front of this journey.
Because no one is ever fully honest with anyone about these things, it’s hard to really know how everyone looks at you. That’s true in most aspects of your life. It’s just tough to get the absolute truth out of anyone. Because of that I tend to feel like people look at me on either of the extreme ends of the dating spectrum. Either they think that because I am still single at my age and haven’t dated anyone seriously for a very long time that I must be completely against dating and being in a relationship. Or, I think that they think that I am so desperate to be in a relationship that I’m over-the-top and run everyone off. I don’t know how the percentages play out…what percentage thinks one way and what percentage thinks the other…but this is the impression that I get that people believe is the truth. And I do know this, that for everyone, perception is reality. If this is how you perceive it, whether it really is true or not, that is your reality. The problem with that is that most of the time people are on the outside looking in and don’t know enough to have a true perception, just their own.
As far as where my feelings reside about me being single, the truth lies somewhere in between. I know that I come off as being very comfortable with being single, and there is definitely truth in that. Although I don’t think that this I am at all who I was for a stretch of time in my 20’s and early 30’s, I really, really like the man that I have become. Because I’m single and most of my friends are married or in serious relationships, then I really do have to be my own best friend. And because I like who I am, I’m OK with that. I spend more time outside of work by myself than I do with anyone else. But remember, I like me, so that’s OK. So, I can see why those that feel like I enjoy being single would feel this way.
But, I also push my displeasure with being single to the backburner 99% of the time. I’ve actually become really good at it. Even I have my moments where it gets me down, but I have got a pretty good grasp on staying positive and not letting it bother me. I justify it by knowing that there are several levels of happiness that someone can obtain, and by becoming good at being single and finding ways to occupy my time by myself, I think that there is only one level of happiness higher than where I am today. To be totally honest, I could be in a bad relationship and not be as happy as I am. So, although I wouldn’t be alone, I could be with someone and still have it worse. And I could also be one of those people who is miserable being single. But, I’ve come to accept being single and finding a way to be happy regardless.
But, there’s also that level of happiness that comes with being with someone special that puts you on that level far above where I sit today. And working my way through this Field Manual has really reminded me of that. Afterall, the masculine heart yearns for romance, and it needs that beauty to save. I can deny it if I want, but in my heart I know that it’s true. And I can push it to the side when I don’t want to deal with it, but that doesn’t make it go away. That just leaves it to deal with another day.
The truth is, it’s really tough for me to be who I am and not to have someone to share my life with. I am extremely affectionate, that’s just who I am. But, I don’t have a hand to hold, and there’s no one here to curl up on the couch with me and watch a movie or just some TV. No back for me to place my hand on when we are standing and talking to someone we know.
No hair for me to run my hands through while she lays beside me. No one to give kisses to. I miss that tremendously.
I’m also a very romantic man, and there’s no one to cook dinner for and light the candles for a home cooked meal. No one to run a bath for, and no one’s car to leave a note on for her to find when she gets off of work. Nowhere to send flowers to.
And no one to watch the sunset with on the beach, or on the mountain…or anywhere.
And I miss having someone with me at weddings and funerals, and Thanksgiving dinners with my family, and Christmas morning. I miss having someone most when I’m at a pro ballgame or other sporting event, or a concert, or the Cirque du Soleil, and I see other couples there together. That’s when I hate being single the most.
I can be my own worst enemy, I know. I’m extremely picky, and afraid to settle. I don’t find many women that I’m truly interested in. And the two times a year that it happens I probably have scared them off. I don’t mean to, but I do get excited
that I’m actually excited. And I’m afraid of being hurt like I’ve been hurt in the past. It took me a long time to get past the last two. They worked together to really scare me pretty badly. So, in that aspect, it really sucks to be me. But, ironically I’ve found that the one thing worse than being scared to have your heart broken is not being scared and not finding someone to trust it
with.
John Eldredge says in his book Epic, “Loneliness might be the hardest cross we bear.”
I bear it everyday. I’ve basically been delegated to solitary confinement, the worst of all punishments…worse than the death penalty. Even in prison, they won’t leave you there for too long.
But I’m not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. In fact, there’s really no need to. I really am as happy as I can be (relatively speaking, of course). I think that I do a really good job of overcoming it and making the most of my life. And I don’t think that
this Field Manual is going to help me find someone, but it might help me elevate this level of happiness that I’m at now, and narrow the gap. At least that’s my hope, and I really do feel like I have God on my side. It’ll make me a better man, for sure. And one day someone will
reap those rewards. It has to
happen, right?